Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
