i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
