a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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