I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
True strength comes from lack of pants
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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