I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
