trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
