I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
