I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
