you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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