I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
