Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
