So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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