No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
