apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
