I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
