i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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