He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
