he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
