Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
