I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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