Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
