I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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