hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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