I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
