so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
