Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
