If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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