I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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