I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize