Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize