bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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