i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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