i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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