How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize