My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
is this the sara with the beer cane?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
