I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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