I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
