Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
