I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
