Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
