Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
