my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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