Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Four minutes until I can fart!
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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