dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i want to swaddle you in tequila
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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