I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
