Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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