the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
