My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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