You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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