The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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