Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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