My room smells like vodka and shame
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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