i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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