i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
