I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
