Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
