I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
